Shock Carpenters Revelation


Intrepid reporter Ethel can reveal that The Carpenters’ Estate is in damage control mode regarding shock revelations drunkenly revealed by none other than 70s horror supremo, John Carpenter.

Written out of the Carpenters’ history – with countless figures in their lives being paid off over decades – is the astonishing fact that the movie director is, in fact, Richard and Karen Carpenter’s brother. John Carpenter was a key figure in their early music career; that is until he was ousted for not wanting to comply to the pair’s squeaky clean public image.

During his confessional rant, John Carpenter revealed he is the middle sibling of the Carpenter clan and was part of the early Carpenters’ lineup, playing piano and keyboards whilst Richard was originally the vocalist with Karen, of course, famously on drums. Citing intense rivalry between the Carpenter brothers, John says he was pushed out by jealous Richard for his superior keyboard skills. According to the slasher director, Richard has early recordings featuring John in a sealed vault and refuses to ever hand them over to his younger brother.


Songs such as ‘William Shatner’s Inverse Face’ and ‘Kill Me In The Fog’ have never seen the light of day, thanks to Richard Carpenter’s control over his group’s image.

Sources close to the director state that he has struggled with lifelong bitterness as he witnessed his sibling’s rapid rise to fame to become America’s sweethearts. Forced into his filmmaking career by his banishing, John Carpenter used his oeuvre to work through his ousting from the band and family.

‘His most famous film, Halloween, is all about it’, sources close to the director told Ethel. ‘The Jamie Lee Curtis character is Karen and the killer Jason is an amalgam of Richard and Karen’s anorexia chasing her to her death’.

Neither John nor Richard Carpenter could be reached for comment.

(Story revealed to Ethel by intrepid sources C Tomrley and P Gingell)


From the Desk of Ethel

January 14 1959

Hiya KIDS!

Gee but we all had a SWELL time at the Angela Lansbury Night that those Namesake Mermaids threw last week. GOLLY, what a blast. I don’t know Angela. Her Mama Rose is obviously inferior to MINE, but then – HELL – every actress in any role is inferior to The Merm – am I right kids? You bet your sweet fucking asses I am!

Anyway, this is all obviously an out of town tryout. You KNOW they’re just testing the waters and gearing up to doing a whole MONTH of events dedicated to YOURS TRULY. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! But they are, right? I’ll phone my agent and get the low down for ya on THAT! HAHAHAHAHAHA!

So, what else has been going on in the World of Merm? I know you’re all DYING to know, aren’t ya? Well, I hear that those crazy kids Rice and Webber are writing a show for yours truly called COOKED! and I’ll be playing Nigella Lawson. You can see it, right? Won’t even have to get a new hairdo! I told them that I am SHIT in the kitchen but that won’t matter, I’m pure SEX, just like Nige and that’s all that counts. Gonna paint her as the wronged but strong heroine, of course. I know that role by HEART. We’re Team Nigella over here in the office of The Merm and we’re gonna put the record straight. IN SONG!

Well, I gotta go now kids. I’m having lunch with my pal Benay Venuta and the simply GORGEOUS Judy Garland. God I fucking LOVE Judy. She’s a great kid and the only one who can turn the air bluer than YOURS TRULY. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I just hope that crazy broad Jackie Susann doesn’t turn up again. That gal is gaga over me and Judy – can’t blame her, of course. But I just wish she’d CHOOSE who she wants to stalk. I can’t believe she’d choose anyone over me, even a SWELL gal like Judy. I’ll be sure to tell you all about it, kids, you know you can count on THAT.

Until next time, kids, MERM OUT!