From the Desk of Ethel


January 14 1959

Hiya KIDS!

Gee but we all had a SWELL time at the Angela Lansbury Night that those Namesake Mermaids threw last week. GOLLY, what a blast. I don’t know Angela. Her Mama Rose is obviously inferior to MINE, but then – HELL – every actress in any role is inferior to The Merm – am I right kids? You bet your sweet fucking asses I am!

Anyway, this is all obviously an out of town tryout. You KNOW they’re just testing the waters and gearing up to doing a whole MONTH of events dedicated to YOURS TRULY. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! But they are, right? I’ll phone my agent and get the low down for ya on THAT! HAHAHAHAHAHA!

So, what else has been going on in the World of Merm? I know you’re all DYING to know, aren’t ya? Well, I hear that those crazy kids Rice and Webber are writing a show for yours truly called COOKED! and I’ll be playing Nigella Lawson. You can see it, right? Won’t even have to get a new hairdo! I told them that I am SHIT in the kitchen but that won’t matter, I’m pure SEX, just like Nige and that’s all that counts. Gonna paint her as the wronged but strong heroine, of course. I know that role by HEART. We’re Team Nigella over here in the office of The Merm and we’re gonna put the record straight. IN SONG!

Well, I gotta go now kids. I’m having lunch with my pal Benay Venuta and the simply GORGEOUS Judy Garland. God I fucking LOVE Judy. She’s a great kid and the only one who can turn the air bluer than YOURS TRULY. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I just hope that crazy broad Jackie Susann doesn’t turn up again. That gal is gaga over me and Judy – can’t blame her, of course. But I just wish she’d CHOOSE who she wants to stalk. I can’t believe she’d choose anyone over me, even a SWELL gal like Judy. I’ll be sure to tell you all about it, kids, you know you can count on THAT.

Until next time, kids, MERM OUT!

 

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